"Uh, Mom, Can We Go Now?"

Although I'm snuggled comfortably on my couch in our cozy family room at home in Pennsylvania, a piece of my heart is in Minnesota where I was scheduled to be, as of tonight.  I had a road trip planned with my girlfriend, Sandy and our east coast departure was scheduled for yesterday. The intent was to make the 16 hour trek to be with my oldest son, Ben for a long weekend.  And of course, to enjoy some girlfriend adventures in the Twin Cities as well . Sadly, I won’t make it to the stands of Royal Stadium on Saturday to watch Ben’s last football game of the regular season. However,  Bethel University is headed into the D-III play-offs so it may not be their last game this year.  Regardless, God had different plans for this weekend. The road trip was canceled because Sandy was informed that she had to attend a national board meeting this weekend yet she spent all day in our local ER trying to arrest a kidney stone ... imagine having THAT emergency on the road!  Ugh ... so, back to my couch where I'm sitting while I pen this new post. Disappointment in my heart and nostalgia in my emotions. My husband and the dog are out cold and the young man living with us is closing up Chick-fil-A.  The house is quiet.  

I’m attempting to embrace this new season of parenting but find myself desperately pining for the presence of  children in our home.  I readily admit my sentiments in this transitional phase of parenting, I miss my boys. I’ll shout it from the mountain tops.  I miss hearing their voices and seeing their faces. I miss “feeling”  a little more in control of their lives. I miss their friends. The full dinner table.  The piano playing and the deep voice coming through the front door greeting me.  I miss my boys. I don't miss their laundry but I desperately miss their personalities and their presence in our home.  I could go on and on but I’ll spare you the many more obnoxious mother-laden details of my grieving heart. What I miss most may be the significant chunks of TIME to be with Ben or with Andy.  When they were  little guys, full of energy and many needs, I would crave time alone.  An hour or two that afforded me some stillness, and the sound of silence.  ME time!  But now, I just miss hangin’ out with my boys, and their friends.  I miss the chance that time would afford us to chat, laugh, play or discuss something of a serious nature or even a small window for me to impart some parental wisdom. Smile.

As I sit here lamenting, my mind wanders back to a day last year when Andy was a high school senior .  A day he was off school some eight or nine months ago.  I recall that Andy and I had gone to The Waffle Shop to have breakfast together.  It was likely just another mid-morning meal for Andy but it happened to be a treasured appointment for his mom!  I enjoyed my coffee and blueberry pancakes, but I mostly cherished listening to my son who was on the fast track to becoming a young man.  It was food for my soul to talk face-to-face with him instead of on the fly, or in a text message. Sigh. I loved looking into his eyes, and into his future to dream with him just a little bit. I had come to breakfast with something on my heart that I wanted to share with Andy; a word of affirmation mixed with a small measure of admonition.  And just about the time it seemed fitting to initiate that conversation, Andy asked the dreaded question. “Uh, Mom, can we go now?”  I chocked down a fork full of pancakes and made an attempt to hide my disappointment while his question hung like a broken pinata between us. With as much normalcy as I could muster, I replied, “Sure, Andy, we can go now.  I know you’re off to a fun and busy day.”  I knew that his abrupt desire to leave wasn’t about me.  Andy had finished his short stack, home fries extra crispy, side of bacon and chocolate milk and he was ready to get on with his day.  He had plans with friends and still had a lawn yet to mow.  His day off was full and he needed to get going; he wanted to get going. He took our bill and $20 to pay the cashier while I fumbled through my wallet to leave a generous tip for the cheerfully attentive waitress who had served us. The meal that had just been served was already being cleared from our table.
  

As we headed out to the parking lot together, The Waffle Shop doors closed behind us.  And as they did, I sensed the familiar nudge of the Holy Spirit for me to notice something vaguely familiar about the scene that I had just witnessed.  An aha moment in my spirit where I saw a mirror image of me and my all too customary demeanor in the presence of God. His loving conviction disclosed my own tendency to show up for my time with Him, most often with a hungry heart, all too often with a hasty spirit, reading the Word just enough to whet my spiritual appetite and then to be on my way. My quick self-absorbed prayers followed by a heart attitude of, “Uh, Father, can I go now?”  I pondered how rarely I listen with the intent of hearing what’s on the heart and mind of the Father in that moment.  I was reminded that when I don’t linger in His presence, I miss out.  When I miss out, God’s not mad at me.  When I miss out, He doesn't yank His favor from my life.  He doesn’t even beg me to stay with Him longer. But, I miss out. Plain and simple. I discard what was on His heart for me, for others, and for His intended glory or at best, I treat it with contempt in my effort to be all about me when I'm with Him.

In James chapter 1, the phrase “look intently” literally means “to linger” and in this context it is referring to lingering in the Word of God.  The verses in James 1 tell us that if we will linger as we read or look into the Word of God (the perfect law that gives freedom), and hang out there awhile, and then DO something with what we’ve heard or read, there are blessings to be had!  I have to ask myself, how often do I miss them?  God has something on His heart at all times for me but will I linger in His Word and in His Presence long enough to receive it?  I would be a fool to miss it. 

My heart is longing for time with my son tonight and that longing reminds me that the Father yearns for uninterrupted time with me too.  I’d like to break my habit of asking, “Can I go now?” and train my body, soul and spirit to “hang out” in His presence to receive every ounce of the Father's heart that I can get.

James 1:22-25   "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does."